Chapter 15: Phoebe

Today we are going to examine one of the largest and silliest organizations in the world, The Christian Religion.
Christianity is a veritable labyrinth of exciting half-truths, meaningless proclamations, declarations and vague stories with little or no credibility. Like most religions, it holds onto some pretty wacky beliefs, but first and foremost, it says that the universe was created in seven days by a single male entity named "God."

According to the Bible, God rules the heavens and the Earth, and passes judgement on all people and things. When you die, God gets to decide whether you are to live with him in Heaven, or go to Hell and live with his arch-nemesis, "Satan." Satan is a really awful red person with a forked tail and horns. Hell is constantly on fire, and if you get sent there, you'll suffer in excruciating agony for the rest of eternity.

Conversely, God is like the nicest person ever, and Heaven is totally perfect in every way. Everyone wants to go to heaven and live with God.

God is also famous for sending his only son, Jesus, down to Earth to live as a human. Jesus was born of a complete virgin, on Christmas, and he spent most of his life on Earth saying some very interesting things and a lot of people followed him around. One time he turned water into wine. He also walked on water and did some cool stuff with loaves and fishes. But then everyone decided he was blasphemous and so they nailed him to a huge wooden cross and he died. Only he didn't actually die, because he rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven, as easily as you or I might ascend the rungs of a ladder.

Finally, Jesus opened the gates of Heaven and saved us all from our misdeeds, which was really cool of him. Some people are totally obsessed with Jesus because he is so chill. People wear crosses around their necks to show that they love Jesus, even though Jesus got nailed to a cross and died.

So, Christians are supposed to model their own lives after Jesus, because he was totally perfect (just like his dad, God). To help with this, Christianity has compiled a huge list of "sins," or things that God forbids you to do. Ten of the most basic sins are listed below:
1) Saying God's name in any context besides praising Him
2) Spending the Sabbath day doing anything besides praying
3) Practicing any religion other than Christianity
4) Telling your parents to screw off
5) Taking someone else's stuff
6) Wishing you had someone else's stuff
7) Wishing you had someone else's woman
8) Cheatin' on your wife or husband
9) Lyin'
10) Murderin'

There are also seven "deadly sins" that manifest themselves as character traits. They are: wrath, gluttony, sloth, envy, pride, greed and lust. Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman starred in a movie about these sins. As terrible as all these sins are, none of them compare to the biggest sin of all: "the Original Sin."

The Original Sin occured when Adam and Eve (the first people ever), ate fruit from a tree when God specfically told them not to. That made them realize they were naked and they felt ashamed. They screwed up really bad, and God was pissed off, so then everyone else had to be born with Original Sin right from the start, except for Jesus and his mom. So even if you're totally good, it doesn't matter because you're guilty of original sin! Thanks a lot, Adam and Eve (not!).

It can also be sinful to waste food or money, to have premarital sex, or to engage in any homosexual activities. But above all, the Lord's greatest commandment is that we "love one another." That's what Jesus said anyway.

So let us look at what we cannot do.

We can't worship nature like pagans or have orgies in the wilderness with nymphs and satyrs, that's right out. We can't engage in the sacramental worship of psychoactive compounds found in nature, like marijuana, DMT, psilocybin mushrooms or alcohol. And we certainly can't spend our lives naked and free, running around in the forest in perfect harmony with all other animals. Nudity is connected to the Original Sin, and we should dress in darkness so that we are not an occasion of sin to ourselves.

We cannot practice other religions, so that includes Hinduism, which holds that All is Brahman, and everything is connected. We can't explore Buddhism, which has a basic tenet of nothingness and a void within a void within another void. We can't explore Zen, with its system of non-system, its basic tenet being simply, "attention." Nor can we try Taoism, started by Lao Tzu, who declared that, "the way that can be trodden is not the true, undying Way." These religions are too weird and vague for any self-respecting Christian.

Certainly, a Christian has no business converting to Islam, with its five pillars and weird pilgrimages to Mecca; fasting for months, and the 40 virgins waiting for you in paradise.

But above all, a Christian shall not view Judaism as anything other than a quaint little tradition practiced by a bunch of well-meaning people that will all eventually burn in eternal Hell-fire.

I remember asking my first grade teacher at Catholic elementary school whether Jews went to heaven and she said, "Well I don't really know, but my guess would be....probably not."

And keep in mind that Christianity is 50% Jewish. Almost half of the Bible, the sacred book of the Christians, is just a reprinting of the Torah, the sacred book of the Jews.

Of course, there is no greater sin than homosexuality. This is because Man and Woman form a sacred bond blah blah that cannot be surpassed so on and so forth. And the Bible clearly states, "One man shall not be joined with another man--in his butt." (Ez Ch 4 11-32)

Then you read about all the weird child sodomy that goes on behind closed doors at your local Catholic church, and you wonder, do priests get a special pass? Why is it ok for a "holy man" to engage in butt sex with little boys, if it's not ok for Todd and Ralph to enjoy sweaty man love in the shower?

When word gets out that a priest is molesting children, several things happen. First, the Bishop yells at him, and spanks his holy bottom, and then tells him to go and be a priest in a different city where no one knows about him yet. But two full grown men will go to Hell forever if they so much as think about "colon-plunging" one another.

To be fair, I understand that the Catholic church is taking the child molestation thing a little more seriously now, and they have offered to pay the victims to keep quiet about their horrible experiences.

I forgot to mention, the sin department is a two-sided coin. You can repent for your sins, and God will forgive you. He has to. He's a big softie. That's what's so great about sinning and that's why there are so many cool sins you can commit. You can even do two sins at once, to create fun sin-combos! Adultery and murder anyone?

All you have to do is, after you commit a sin, go to "Confession" or 'Reconcilliation." You walk into a dimly lit room, kneel down before the priest (who probably groped you the day before, that sly old devil) and tell him all the sins you committed, and that you're sorry. Try to actually sound like you're sorry, and that you want to ask Jesus for some serious forgiveness.
Then, after the priest is done molesting you, he gives you some prayers to say, mumbles some words of his own and "absolves" you of your sins. After you say your prayers, your sins magically disappear! Even if you murder an entire family with a rusty pair of scissors, you can be forgiven by God!!! If only the American Court System worked the same way!!!

The only way you won't be forgiven is if you commit a Mortal Sin. In order for a sin to be considered "mortal," you cannot feel any remorse for what you've done, and it has to be a really bad sin (like rape, murder, mass genocide or homosexuality). You might be excommunicated from the church if you commit a mortal sin.

And if you get excommunicated from the church, you automatically go to Hell.

Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior yet?