LARRY: THE MAN WHO HATED EVERYTHING
Once upon a time (in a tiny village by the sea), there lived an old warty man named Larry. Larry hated everything, and whenever anyone said anything about anything, he would always say, “I hate that! It’s stupid!” Or, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen/heard! What a load of rubbish!”
I should point out that Larry didn’t hate absolutely everything; he cared a great deal for turnips, but that was it. Larry’s deep affection for turnips would have made Romeo and Juliet hang their heads in shame. He collected vast mountains of turnips in a special bin called the Turnip Bin, and every night he would softly sing them to sleep.
But he hated everything else. He could often be seen chasing small children and animals away from his property, screaming horrible things and wielding sharp tools. Sometimes he would throw jagged rocks at young lovers, or say rude things to little old ladies.
So one fine day, he awoke with great annoyance to the sound of tappity-tap-tapping at his door. It was the most adorable little tapping noise, and it would have made you or I burst into tears of joy. It sounded like ice cream sprinkles or puppy buttons or little baby hamster sandals. But Larry was extremely pissed off at the noise. He nearly ripped the door off its hinges yelling, “WHO IS IT???!!!!!”
And standing in his doorway was little Suzy Pennypimples, the sweetest, most innocent little girl in all the land, not yet two and a half feet tall. She smiled a rosy little smile and curtseyed very politely and said, “Allo Mistah Larry!!!” in her nauseating cockney dialect.
Larry’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull with rage, and he screamed, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE MAGGOT????!!!”
She pointed to a darling basket of cute little apples which she had spent all morning arranging. “Oy’m sellin appools!!! Wudja loyke t’bey ah’feew?” [EDITOR’S NOTE: Suzy Pennypimples’ statements have been translated to the best of our ability, but we cannot be 100% sure of what the hell she actually said.]
Larry fumed. “Apples? APPLES???!!!!” his face was turning a beautiful shade of deep maroon, “there is nothing on this EARTH that I detest more than the disgusting, worm-ridden sight of APPLES!!! They are absolutely the most repulsive, gruesome, vile little fruits and I hate them!!! Hate hate hate!!! No, my mangy little child, I will not be giving you so much as a penny for these beastly things! Now get off my doorstep and let me peace with my turnips!!!”
Suzy pouted, and you or I would have thought it was just about the cutest thing in the world, and she said, “Boot theaugh railley gud appools!!! Noice aend taistay!!!”
Larry stood for a moment, giving her a look that would have turned Medusa herself to stone. Suzy’s eyes twinkled and she smiled a sweet little smirk Larry brought his foot back sloooowly.....and suddenly he KICKED Suzy swiftly into the air, catapulting her across the fields, over the pond, and into the distance. And throughout her aerial journey she emitted a lovable little squeak of pain and terror and frustration all rolled into one. She landed gracefully in a pile of rusty nails and broken glass and horse manure. Luckily, she wasn’t hurt, and so she skipped home whistling a merry tune.
That evening, Larry burned the apples in his garbage incinerator. The very next day, a horrible dragon bit off his head. And he was never the same again.
THE END
The Tale of The Seamstress & Her 26 Cats
Wendy the Seamstress was getting along in years. She must’ve been about six-hundred years old, although nobody knew for sure. She spent her days sitting by the window of her ramshackle cottage and looking out at the big wide world. Wendy lived alone with her twenty six cats. Their names were Bo, Hairdresser Major, Klanky, Spanky, Cranky, Button, Harold, Winslow, Margaret Thatcher, Hairdresser Minor, Tim, Potato, Creamy, Shitforbrains, Edgar, Samantha, Desmond, Kippers, Gumball, Chirpy Throat, Satan, Cherry, Pneumonia, Gladys, Hank Williams Jr. and Crackers.
One day, a package arrived at her door, and this was very odd because she hadn’t ordered anything. “Who could have sent me such a lovely package?” she wondered, “and what could possibly be inside?”
The cats looked on as she carefully untied the string that held the package together (this was in the days before adhesive tape, you see) and she unwrapped the whole damn thing.
And with their 53 eyes full of amazement (Crackers had lost an eye during a violent encounter with a kangaroo some years back), they beheld the most glorious golden lamp that ever had been.
“Damn, that’s a nice lookin’ lamp!” thought Wendy. “I shall have to put it on the windowsill, so all the neighbors can admire it!”
But as she picked the lamp up for closer inspection, it suddenly grew very hot! And a deafening whooshing noise was heard! But even more amazing than all of those things was the huge yellow genie that exploded out of the lamp and was now floating in Wendy’s sitting room!
“Yo! Wutz crackin!” bellowed the genie.
“H-h-h-h-h-h-h-how d-d-d-d-do yeeeewww deeeeewwww?” st-stammered Wend-d-dy. She was very frightened.
“I’m ok, you know, besides being stuck in a lamp for like, six hundred years! Dummay!!! So now, like, you have three wishes, and stuff.”
“Wishes?”
“Yeah! Wishes. You can make three, and I’ll grant them. And hurry up, because I don’t have all day!”
Wendy thought long and hard about this. She could wish for anything in the world! She tried to think of something she had always wanted. Some bagels? No....A new dustpan? No....
After a very long time (about 3 and a half minutes) she said, “Alright, genie. I’ve got it! I wish to be young and beautiful forever!”
“Typical,” said the genie.
“And also I wish that I lived in a beautiful palace.”
“Whatever.”
“And finally, I wish that all of my cats could talk and, um, also live forever.”
The genie rolled his eyes. “You sure about that?”
“Most definitely,” Wendy said eagerly.
“OK then, here goes nothing.”
He flapped his ears, and in a puff of smoke he was gone, along with the magic lamp. Wendy found herself not in her little ramshackle cottage, but in an enormous palace with beautiful furnishings! She hurried over to the mirror to inspect herself. To her amazement, she had become young and very beautiful! She looked kind of like Shannon Elizabeth or Jessica Alba.
She leaped into the air with joy, and began running around her palace with glee. Then she remembered her cats! Why, they could talk!!!! She had always wondered what they would say if they could talk.
“Bo!” she called out, “Here, Satan!!! Oh Crackers!!!! Hank Williams, Jr.?”
She found Gumball sitting at the top of the stairs to the left wing of the palace.
“Hello, Gumball!!!” she cooed, “You can speak now, sweetykins!!! Well, what do you say to that??”
Gumball looked at her and said, “Besen sind bekanntlich ein schreiendes Bedürfnis der Zeit und waren das freilich schon seit langen Zeiten. Derartige Bedürfnisse, die täglich und wöchentlich befriedigt sein wollen, gibt es viele in jedem Haus und allenthalben Menschen, welche es sich freiwillig zur angenehmen Pflicht machen, diese Bedürfnisse zu befriedigen.”
Wendy was very confused. She was sure Gumball wasn’t German. Oh well, she had one cat that spoke German, that was ok, either he could learn English or she could learn German.
Just then, Desmond hurried by with a ball of tin foil in his mouth, muttering to himself. He said, “El dólar rompió hoy barreras psicológicas frente al yen, euro y franco suizo, creando problemas en estas economías y amenazando con abrir un nuevo capítulo en la crisis: el ajuste de los grandes desequilibrios comerciales que EE.UU. ha acumulado en los últimos años.”
Wendy entered the main room of the palace, where all twenty six of her cats were sitting around, speaking different languages.
“Vreest de Grieken, ook al brengen zij geschenken,” said Hairdresser Major.
“Avec des si et des mais, on mettrait Paris dans une bouteille.” said Gladys
“A açorda faz a velha gorda e a menina formosa.” said Crackers
“Addig nyújtózkodj, amíg a takaród ér.” said Satan
“案ずるより産むが易し” said Spanky.
“L'occhio del padrone ingrassa il cavallo.” said Margaret Thatcher.
Well, this was all very odd, and so Wendy went for a swim in the pool, in a very expensive bikini. The years passed, and Wendy did not grow a year older, and she had many suitors, all of whom she refused. Her cats had inadvertedly taught her 26 different languages, and she became famous for her abilities in translating things. And she lives there to this very day. She is very happy.
THE END
THE SECRET WORLD OF BIRDS
Timmy the orphan was different from the other orphans at the Orphanry on Drury Lane. He wasn’t taller or shorter or fatter or slimmer than any of the other orphans. He wasn’t smarter or dumber or better or worse than any of them, either. Timmy was different because unlike the other orphans, he liked to snort PCP.
That’s right, Timmy enjoyed snorting PCP after lessons, before breakfast, during soccer practice and before he went to bed. None of the other orphans understood this, and so he was an outcast.
One day, Timmy was standing in the hallway, snorting PCP, when a tiny little bird slapped against the window. Timmy ran outside to see if the little bird was hurt. Well, he was hurt. Very hurt in fact, I mean he flew right smack into a window. Actually he was dead.
So Timmy buried him in the back yard, said some prayers and did some PCP. He was sad, but he knew that death was a part of life, and so he went to bed.
The next night, Timmy heard a noise outside of his bedroom window. When he looked outside, it was too dark to see anything, so he grabbed a flashlight and some PCP and ran outside.
To his amazement, in the very spot where he had buried the little bird, there now stood an enormous elevator! For a moment, Timmy thought maybe he was just really high on PCP, but it looked real, it felt real, it even sounded real!
Well, Timmy went right into the elevator and pressed the button with the number ‘CLOUDS” written on it. He knew “CLOUDS” wasn’t a number, but for some reason, it looked like a number the way it was written.
The door closed and ssshhhhhhhpeeeeeeewwww!!! The elevator rocketed up and up and up! It was actually kind of fun, although not as much fun as doing PCP.
The doors finally opened with a *ding* and Timmy found himself in a little town above the clouds! He was amazed!
A giant bird wearing a green vest flapped over to him. “Hello, Timmy!!!” said the bird, “Welcome to the Secret World of Birds! I am Captain Tweet, and you are most welcome here!”
“Gosh!” said Timmy
“Yes, I know this is all very amazing for you. But your gallant efforts in burying Mr. Snuggles must be rewarded!”
Timmy figured that Mr. Snuggles was the name of that little bird that had died the previous day.
Captain Tweet brought Timmy to a large banquet hall where many large birds had gathered for a feast. The food was all laid out upon the table in beautiful birdlike fashion, and there was much chirping and rejoicing.
“All hail Timmy!!! Because of his gallant efforts, Mr. Snuggles’ soul has been saved! Three cheers for Timmy!!! Hip, hip...”
“Hooray!!!!” yelled everyone. And then they did the same thing three more times, which was actually four cheers, but Timmy didn’t mind that slight numerical error.
Timmy realized that it had been awhile since he’d done some PCP, so he asked, “do you have any PCP up here?”
“Why no, Timmy!!! Birds don’t like PCP!!!” laughed Captain Tweet, his belly full of worms. “We use crack cocaine!!!”
“Oh....well then I think I need to go back to the orphanage.” said Timmy sadly.
“Alright then, Timmy. But remember, you can return to our the Secret World of Birds whenever you wish!!”
“Thank you, I will.” said Timmy. And he never did.
THE END
The Terrible Tale of Daisy Cucumber
It was Christmas morning, and Daisy Cucumber could hardly wait to open her presents. Christmas was always such a magical time of year! Mother would cook strappleberry pie and goose feathers, and P’Pa would play on his ye olde timey fiddle. Neighbors would come caroling loudly, their fat faces fogging up the windows.
The only thing that Daisy didn’t like about Christmas was the fact that her family always invited Uncle Limburger, and he smelled horrible! He also farted and sneezed and coughed a lot, and this made Daisy feel very uncomfortable.
A few days prior to Christmas, she had asked Mother if Uncle Limburger might please not be invited to Christmas at the Cucumber Residence, but Mother just rolled her eyes and said, “Daisy Cucumber, you’ve got lots to learn about judging people solely on appearances.”
Still, it was a nice Christmas. Daisy received a rocking horse, some books, some candy and a crossbow. The only gift she didn’t like was the one that Uncle Limburger had given her.
“His name is Mr. Gurgles!!!” her uncle bellowed. Daisy unwrapped a hideous doll with a horrible nose and scratchy facial hair. It was so horrible to look upon that she actually burst into tears.
Uncle Limburger tried to comfort Daisy by showing her some of the doll’s features. “Look! If you squeeze his hand, he’ll say things and play with you!”
Uncle Limburger squeezed Mr. Gurgles’ hand. It made a slow burping noise and quietly muttered, “feeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....eeeet.”
This made Daisy cry and cry and cry.
Later that night, Mother put her to bed.
“Oh, can’t I sleep with you and Daddy? I’m bleedin’ terrified, I am!!!”
“No, sweetheart, you’re too old for that sort of hogwash!” snapped Mother (who was fond of words that made no sense, like hogwash, balderdash, poppycock or horseradish sauce).
Mother said goodnight and quietly slammed the door. Daisy looked around the room and pulled the blankies right up to her quivering little nose.
She had always collected stuffed animals and dollies, because they made her feel safe and sound, and also because she had no real friends. And so, she was horrified to discover that someone had taken the liberty of placing Mr. Gurgles at the foot of her bed! And he was staring right at her! That horrid nose!!! Those awful pointy teeth!!!
His circuits must have shorted out, because he was quietly humming: “maayyyyyonaise. dirty, dirty, dirty frog hearts.......vomit on my feeeeet! ...maaayonaaaaaaaise.....” to himself.
She tried to yelp in fear, but no sound came out. He stared at her, she stared back at him. For a long time, nothing happened. After awhile, Daisy fell asleep without realizing it.
She dreamt the most beautiful forest. In the forest lived a hundred twenty-two peppermint-flavored unicorns, and they all had secret best friends who were sweet and spicy cinnamon bunny-rabbits. Daisy was very happy, because she was the princess.
Suddenly, a storm cloud drifted over the forest, and everything became darkish.
“Maaaaaaaaaayonaaaaaaaissse!” The voice came from behind. She whirled around, and saw that the unicorn’s face had melted into the face of Mr. Gurgles! They all had Mr. Gurgles heads!! Daisy yelled and screamed and flailed her arms wildly about and ran around in circles, soiling her pantaloons.
She awoke with a horrified guffaw, which turned into a much louder AAAUUUGGGHH when she saw Mr. Gurgles sitting there at the end of her bed.
Mother stormed into the room. “Daisy Cucumber! What in heaven’s name is the matter!!!”
“I had a bad dream!”
“Well dreams aren’t real! Anyway it’s three in the morning and your father and I are trying to get some shut-eye! Go to bed!” And with that, she slammed the door quietly and went away.
***
The next morning, Daisy decided she would take matters into her own grubby little hands. She purloined a pair of scissors from her P-Pa’s study, and “went to town” on Mr. Gurgles’ face. But this only made him look scarier. So she threw him down into the basement and locked the door. Faintly, she could hear him saying “feeeeeee.....eeeeet” but she did her very best to ignore it and enjoy her television programs about farm animals.
She had a fine day, laughing and playing with her other Christmas presents. She especially loved her crossbow, which she used to massacre ducklings and other common household pests.
Before too long, it was time for bed, and Daisy put on her favorite pair of butterfly pajamas and brushed her teeth and kissed her P-Pa on the beard and climbed into bed.
“Goodnight, Daisy Cucumber,” said Mother.
“Goodnight, Mother,” said Daisy.
Mother quietly slammed the door. This shall be a relaxing night, thought Daisy. None of that Mr. Gurgles nonsense to keep me awake! She closed her eyelids with a rubbery squelch and soon fell fast asleep.
In the middle of the night, Daisy awoke to a tapping sound on her bedroom window. She figured it was probably just the wind, and rolled over onto her side.
The noise changed into more of a clicking sound, then a banging sound, and then a sort of hissing noise. In any case, it was really creepy.
Daisy slowly crept out of bed and tippy-toed over to the window, not unlike a lemur on meth amphetamines. Carefully she pulled the curtains asunder...
And there, hanging in the tree outside her window, was a scary-looking man with a long beard! He was wearing a top hat and a jogging uniform and laughing!!! Laughing the most evil laugh she had ever known!!!
His slimy hand shot through the window, smashing the glass and grabbing at Daisy’s knees! Fortunately, she was able to kick him in the thumbs and make her escape.. But she could hear the man climbing into her room and starting to charge through the house after her; his boots full of broken glass.
She yelled to Mother and P-Pa, but they were snoozin! So she ran into the last possible hiding spot she could think of: the basement.......
It was dark.
“Maaaaayonaaaaaaaise....”
It was Mr. Gurgles! Oh but that didn’t seem to matter now, for she ran straight down to Mr. Gurgles and threw her arms around him, shutting her eyes tight.
The next morning, Daisy Cucumber awoke in her bed, snuggling Mr. Gurgles! How odd! Had it all been just a dream? She would never know.
And from that day forward, Daisy and Mr. Gurgles were inseparable. She kept him for the rest of her life, and never again judged someone solely on physical appearance. (Except for non-white people)
THE END
